Ageing

I’ve started this blog because I have so many things on my mind. I’m getting older and while I much prefer ageing to death (because that’s what happens if you don’t age) I often find myself longing to my mid thirties… or even wishing that I could go back to my young twenty-self and do things over. Granted, looking back I’m not entirely filled with regret. I’ve ended a marriage, moved, found a new partner, and have a child. So, life doesn’t suck, but yet it sometimes sucks. Do you feel me?

It sucks now because I’m not getting enough sleep. It sucks now because after two years of sleep deprivation I find my self 10 kilos heavier than I have ever been. It sucks because after pregnancy and childbirth my body is categorically different, and those experiences have left eternal scars on my psyche and on my skin. It sucks because my mind is no longer my own, my anxiety has almost taken a life of its own and I would much rather get the house put together than go outside and pamper myself. In someways the “family” has surpassed my soul in priority. I miss the days where I was my sole priority.

You know what? You’re not going to get the “Life can sometime suck, but here are the things I have instead” talk from me. I think so often people do that to make it up for themselves, to try to make themselves feel better. That’s not going to happen here. The suckiness is valid and it can just be. It is and will continue to be.

I’m unsure if this melancholy is part of ageing? I’m not sure I like it. Will it continue to get stronger as I enter my fifties? Sixties? Do eighty-year-olds sit around sulking in their past memories? God, I hope not. That can’t be the way to live. But how do you cope when your body slows down, when you favourite, people start dying? When you do not have that youth-related tenacity? When I was in my twenties, I moved to Sarajevo. Picked up everything and just left my home country for another. Then later in my mid thirties I moved again to Morocco. Now I feel stuck where I’m at, but at the same time I’m concerned with different things… more adult things?

Things like my retirement account. Things like financial security. Things like familial inheritance. What the flying fuck happened? I used to year for freedom and now I’m considering (for the first time in my life) buying a home. BUYING a home. Previously that felt like a jail sentence to me. But now that my parents are retiring and paying off their mortgage, I can understand the importance of decreasing your living expenses as you approach your seventies.

Ugh…

ps: why asparagus? I’ve been eating it a lot and it’s so good! Also for spring, but sometimes I wonder how many more springs I will have the pleasure of seeing.